Ruth's Story: Waiting for an Answer, Still Living My Life

Ruth shared this story with MCLA while she was still waiting for her final diagnosis.

I never imagined I would be writing about an experience like this.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve gone through multiple blood tests, a PET scan, and a bone marrow biopsy. I’m still waiting for the final answer, and on September 9, I’m supposed to finally get my diagnosis.

The strange part is that I don’t feel sick.

I’m still active. I exercise six days a week. I continue doing the things I enjoy and living my life. From the outside, everything probably looks completely normal.

But inside, things feel very different.

I have an idea of what the doctors may tell me. The testing has been pointing toward mantle cell lymphoma. But until someone actually says those words to me, there’s still a part of me that thinks maybe they will tell me it was a mistake.

I know that may be denial.

Maybe it’s my mind protecting me from something I’m not ready to accept.

What has surprised me the most is how this uncertainty has changed the way I think about the future.

I love traveling and making plans. But lately, I’ve stopped myself from doing things I normally wouldn’t think twice about.

I’ve even passed up buying airline tickets because I keep thinking, “What if?”

What if my life changes? What if treatment starts? What if I don’t feel well? What if I can’t do the things I have planned?

And then I have to remind myself: none of that has happened yet.

Right now, I feel good.

Right now, I’m exercising. Right now, I’m making plans. Right now, I’m living my life.

So why am I allowing something that hasn’t happened yet to take away from the life I’m living today?

I don’t have the answer yet.

I’m scared. I’m hopeful. I’m in denial. I’m trying to stay positive. And some days, I don’t think about it at all.

September 9 will bring answers.

Maybe those answers will change everything. Maybe they won’t change as much as I fear.

But until then, I’m going to keep moving, keep exercising, keep making plans, and try not to put my life on hold.

I just turned 59 years old this August. My name is Ruth, and this is my story.

I’m waiting for an answer, but I’m still living.

Update from Ruth: On September 9, Ruth received the answer she had been waiting for. Her diagnosis of mantle cell lymphoma was confirmed. She is currently on watch and wait and has joined MCLA Voices, where she is beginning to connect with others in the MCL community.